Dear Dr. Boycock.
I am 16 and I have found myself becoming compulsive about food. I went through a stage of depression and from the age of 12 until now I have self-harmed. I have now started to binge eat and afterwards I feel real guilty about so I got to the toilet, etc. I also exercise a lot. I have done loads of research about eating disorders. I seem to have all of the symptoms but I’m not sure. I don’t like the way I look and I still get depressed. Does this mean I’m suffering from bulimia?
-Do I need help?
Barry
Dr. Boycock says…
Holy shit dude, ur fuckin jacked out of ur mind. You don’t need help.. you need a good sausage stuffin.
How are you ever gonna get any bum fun if you are all bones? One fart pusher session and you’ll snap like a twig. Look boney Barry… Nobody likes a skinny kid with limbs like fuckin tentpoles. I’ve never understood people who are off their meat.. young men should take a lead from me and start their day with some freshly squeezed organ juice and have at least 3 additional protein shots a day.
Snap the fuck out of this ‘woe is me’ shit, get some serious steroid intake and build your chicken meat up.
(p.s. Don’t overdo it – if there is one thing I hate more than weedy freaks it is fuckin muscle Marys).
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Dear Dr Boycock,
I am a 19 year old female college student from New York.
I am writing as I am desperate to get some understanding of where my boyfriend is at mentally.
We have been seeing each other since we were both 15, so this is not some short term fling. I dearly love my boyfriend, but I began to suspect he may be seeing some other girl behind my back.
One night he told me he would be working very late, so I waited outside his workplace. I saw him come out at his normal finishing time, so I followed him.
He went to the home of a young gay friend we both know socially. I returned home and waited for him. My boyfriend didn’t come home until the early hours of the morning, clothing dishevelled, smelling of Calvin Klein and stating that his shift had been longer than he thought!
Why, if nothing is going on, did my boyfriend lie to me? I am horrified that my heterosexual boyfriend might be having sex with another male.
It would be bad enough if it was another woman, but I feel helpless to deal with this if he is having sex with another guy…
What have I done wrong? How can I win back his heart? Please help….
Yours,
Samantha,
New York.
Dear fish,
It is perfectly natural that this young man wants to choke some chicken if he has had to put up with you nosing around like Cagney and Lacey.
Believe it honey… once a boy has had his prostrate tickled there is no going back. He has discovered something that is the central core of my book, ‘Ironing out the Straight Jeans‘, that it is only guys that know how other guys’ plumbing works.
You have been fiddling around, tightening his nuts and inserting his pipe in all the wrong places and now he is getting a real servicing by this young stud boyfriend of his.
So crawl back into your swamp you homophobic bitch and let this young love flourish.
Dr Boycock.
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Dear Dr Boycock,
I really must complain about your treatment of Thomas from Cuba in your column last week. Thomas explained that he was involved in a love triangle and appealed for your help, counsel and advice.
This young man, at the most formative time of his life, was advised by you to steal his best friends boyfriend.
That is what is wrong with the gay community today, no loyalty and no respect of other people’s relationships. How can we ask for equality with hetero’s if we ourselves place no value on our relationships?
Further, I was incredulous at your reply to this young man who is clearly at rock bottom and entertaining suicidal thoughts…
I think recommending a gas oven as being his best solution is both extremely alien to your obvious medical standing, not to mention morally evil.
If this is your idea of professional ‘help’, you should be struck off the medical register!
Regards,
Ferdinand,
Berlin, Germany.
Dr Boycock Replies…
… and if this is your idea of a letter you should be struck off the planet – I have forwarded your note to Thomas so he can really experience a slow and painful death.
At least Thomas has a love triangle to talk about… what do you have? Your collection of Superhero comics?..
you NERD
And I think your name is stupid.
Dr Boycock.
(Dr Boycock regrets that he is unable to enter into correspondence with patients, unless they are 18-20 and send a recent photo..)
